Why her?
by kajtw
Summary: What would Jane do if something happened to Maura.
1. Chapter 1

**I own nothing but my own idea's**

Chapter 1

Everyone has secrets, feels pain, has regrets. My name is detective Jane Rizzoli, I stand here tonight with my loaded

police issued gun to my temple. When I came home tonight this was not in my plan, but I'm tired of the pain. Why won't

it all just go away? I've asked my self that a hundred times, now I'm taking matters into my own hands. The pain will go

away once I pull this trigger. Why? You might ask. Have you ever loved someone with everything you have, and then that

someone gets taken away? I had that someone, and she was taken from me. Why her? God I wish I could answer that one. She

never deserved to die. I wish I could go back, it would be me instead of her. She wouldn't be here in this place I am

now, she would never take the cowards way out. That's what I am, a cowered. I can't take the pain anymore, I just want her

back. My only hope is that my ma or Frankie doesn't find me. That would kill them, but they will live through the pain,

because they are not cowards like I am. Korsak will say he saw this coming, and maybe he did. I didn't, I was trying to

live through the pain but I can't anymore. I can see the head lines now, Boston hero cop kills herself, maybe the title

finally got to her. I can hear Maura like she's right beside me telling me not to do it. "I have to, I can't live like

this anymore, can't live without you anymore." I speak aloud to nothing. My hands are shaking, why is this so hard? I

want to end this, end it all. "just do it." I tell myself, my finger pulls the trigger without my brain telling it to.

The shot is loud, ear ringing loud.

**AN: there will be more**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

My ears are ringing, am I still alive? I open my eyes slowly, "I'm still alive." I say aloud. I look up, there's a hole

in the wall I shot at the wall not myself. No, no, no it was supposed to be me not the wall. "What the hell happened?"

I say again. There's someone knocking on the door, it should be loud but it's not because my ears are still ringing. I

go over to the door and open it, it's the guy from next door, I can't remember his name. "Are you ok? I called the cops,

I thought someone was in here, and that's why you shot your gun." he's speaking, but I can't hear a word he's saying.

Finally my ears calm down a bit. "Everything fine." I say, and slam the door in his face. I sit down on my couch, and

look around everything I see reminds me of her, and for the first time since her funeral I let myself break down and

mourn for her. "How do I make this stop?" I need to feel normal again. Just as my hands stop shaking the door burst open,

korsak, and Frost come in with their guns ready. When they see me they put their guns away. "What the hell happened Jane?

We got a report of shots fired at this address." Frost stopped Korsak in the middle of his rant, and said "shots were

fired." he gestured to the wall. "it wasn't supposed to go off I was putting it away, and it fired." I didn't want to

tell them what really happened or what was supposed to happen here tonight. Korsak gave me that look, he knows I'm lying.

Frost takes the hint, and leaves closing the door on his way out. Korsak sits next to me on the couch, he doesn't say

anything for several seconds, and then he began to speak "your going to tell me what really happened here, so I can get

you the help you need." "Nothing happened Korsak." "A gun doesn't just go off Janie, we both know that." We were both

quiet for a beat, then Korsak said "Janie if you don't tell me what happened here I will tell Cavanauga what i think is

going on here, you know what he will do even with just a Suspicion he'll take your gun, and badge and send you to see

the department Psychologist. "Korsak you don't have totake it to that." "then tell me what happened." "I can't." I said

a little to loudly. Korsak got up off the couch and said "just remember Janie I gave you the chance to fix this without

bringing Cavanauga into this." he walked out, "Korsak I can't live without her anymore." I replied to late. 


	3. Chapter 3

**I still own nothing, but my own ideas. All mistakes are my own. I hope you like it. **

Chapter 3

After a restless night I was awoken by a call from Cavanagh, korsak followed through on his threat. I was told to come in,

and see him, and if I didn't I would be out of a job. I love my job it's

the only thing that keeps me sane in this cruel world we live in. So I dressed in my best ready to face any, and

everything Cavanagh threw at me. I was ready for my judgement day. Korsak was right, Cavanagh took my gun and badge and

was sending me to the departments shrink. I could handle that right? I had seen one of these doctors before after Hoyt,

but that was easy I had someone else there to help me through it, now I have no one. I stood outside her office, read her

name on the door, Dr. Haley Larkin. Was I ready for this, to talk about my feelings to a complete stranger? I guess I

would have to be, maybe she can get me back to normal. Maybe, just maybe, god I hope so.

I felt like I was in high school again, waiting for her to call my name. I couldn't stop my leg from making that nervous

tap every five seconds. Finally the door comes open, and I get my first look at Dr. Larkin. She looks like she should be

in high school not here. I pass her, and walk in she fallows and shuts the door. "have a seat if you want." I take a

look at the couch shake my head no, and go to the chair across from her desk. Dr. Larkin takes a seat at the desk, and

pulls out a file from the stack she has on her desk. I see my name on it. I've never seen this woman in my life, and

she already has a file on me. Cavanagh's quick. "how old are you?" I say before I have time to think about my question.

"I'm twenty-eight." "You don't look it." now I'm just sounding rude. Nice first impression Rizzoli. She smiled at me,

and said "I get that a lot, but my mother always told me that was a good thing. How is your relationship with you mother?"

"it looks to me like you should know all this in that file of yours. "this file of mine has everything about Hoyt. Do

you just want to start out with that?" "No! We can just start out with my mother." "Ok, so tell me how is your

relationship with your mother?"

That was the first session, we talked about my family. I think i like this Dr. Larkin, she's right to the point, but

she doesn't push it. I can handle this.


	4. Chapter 4

**Still own nothing, mistakes are sadly still mine. Let me know what you think. **

Chapter 4

After five sessions with Dr. Larkin, we still haven't got off the subject of my family. I'm ready to get this over with,

ready to go back to work before I go back to the place I was in that got me to this point, this time I won't miss. I don't

have a reason to live. Each morning I wake up, and say to myself "there's no point in being here. So why are you still

here?" I live by that saying "God has a plan for you." Now I'm not so sure I should keep going with that saying. Wheres

my plan, where's my reason to be here? There is no reason, not anymore. I walk into Dr. Larkin's office that sixth

session ready to spill everything, every thought, every fear I have. I sit in the chair, and the only thing I can get

out of my mouth is "make this pain go away. It's going to kill me before I can get my gun back, and do it myself. At

least it would be quicker, and less painful than this." She got a note pad out, and started writing then said "I think

I'm going to pit you on a antidepressant." "I don't want no damn pills, I want this fixed, I want her back." "we can talk

about her if you want." "what do you want me to say, she was my everything, I was in love with her. The sad thing is,

I never got to tell her, she died before I could. Is that what you want to hear? That I took my own department issued gun,

and tried to kill myself, because I can't live like this anymore, can't live without her. I feel like there is a hole in

my chest, and every morning I wake up, and realize she's gone, it get bigger. It's like no one remembers her, like she

was never here on this earth, but I can't forget. She's here in everything. It's like my head is exploding with her memory.

I want to be mad at her for doing this to me, and then I feel bad because I'm blaming her, when non of this was her fault.

It was all mine." Dr. Larkin let me finish my rant, and then said "why don't you blame the person responsible? Blame Charles Hoyt

for the death of Maura Isles."


	5. Chapter 5

**I still own nothing, mistakes are sill mine. **

Chapter 5

"I'm coming with you Jane." Those words will haunt me until the day I die. I should have said no your staying here where

it's safe, but no I let her come so I could spend more time with her. Dr. Larkin told me to blame Hoyt, but I can't I let

her come when I should have made her stay. I'm sitting on my couch I have the pills Dr. Larkin prescribed me, I read the

warnings, do not take with alcohol. I do any ways, what's the point? Why cant things be the way we want them to be?

Taking all of the pills sounds like a good idea, but if it didn't work I would never get back to my job. That's why I'm

working so hard to make her memory go away, so I can get back to what I do best. Every time we catch another scum bag,

it makes me feel a little better. I think to myself another ones off the streets, at least someone won't lose someone they

love like I did. The next day I walk into Dr. Larkin's office, I'm in a better mood today I'm not going to go off on her

today. "Tell me about Maura." "Maura was my everything, she's the reason I got up every day. She was there after Hoyt did

what he did, she made me better other people say it was the shrink I saw, but it was her. She couldn't lie, if she tried

to lie she would start to hyperventilate, I've never seen anyone else do that. She was my own personal google, I could

ask her anything Scientific, and she could answer without hesitating. She was my everything. I told her everything

besides for the most important thing, and I beat myself up about it every day, why didn't I tell her? I was scared,

scared of losing the most important thing in my life, but in the end I did. I just wish I could turn back time, and tell

her. Even if she wanted nothing to do with me after I told her, I wouldn't care at least she would know, and I wouldn't

hate myself for not telling her when I should have. I need something to live for again, I need to feel again, feel some

thing besides for this pain." I walked out of her office knowing what I needed to do, and this time there would be no

mistakes, because this time I will not miss.


	6. Chapter 6

**Still own nothing. Mistakes are my own. There's one more chapter to this story, and then thats it. **

Chapter 6

I go to my father's house; I know he's not there so it's the perfect time to get his gun. I write him a note

while I was there and put it in his desk, I know it will take him weeks to find it. I will be long gone by that

time. I told him I was sorry, and that I loved him. That was it, we had never been good at showing

emotions to one another, and he didn't need anything big that would be enough. My mother will be a

whole different story, I could write her a ten page note, and it still wouldn't be enough. Then I go see

Maura, I hadn't been here since her funeral, I remember the day we put her in the ground. It was cold,

and raining. I remember thinking to myself God must be crying to. I stand before her grave, the last time

I was here there was a hole in the ground, and this makes it more real seeing the stone with her name

on it, makes the hole in my chest even bigger. "Why did it have to be you Maura?" I say aloud to no one.

"You didn't deserve it, didn't deserve any of it. I'm sorry Maura, I should have made you stay, this is all

my fault, but I'm going to make it better again. Soon I'm going to be with you again, I promise. I love

you; I'm in love with you Maura. I just wish I would have said it when it meant something. Now it doesn't

matter nothing matters anymore, because you're not here to heal this empty place I have. I'll be with

you again real soon. Anyways Maur I've got to go, I've got things I need to get done." I got back into my

car, and went home. I stood alone in my kitchen, and wrote Frankie, my mother, Korsak, and Frost all a

letter, my mother's was a little bit bigger than the rest just to make her happy. I grabbed my father's

gun, and went into the living room where this all started. There is nothing left inside me, you know my

secrets, my pain, and my regrets. I put the gun to my temple, this time I don't hear it go off. "Jane, Jane

can you hear me?" "Maura?"


	7. Chapter 7

**So this is it, let me know what you think.**

Chapter 7

"Jane open your eyes." I open my eyes to see Maura standing over me, I look around I'm in my apartment, but this is wrong I should be dead. "What the hell happened Maura?" "Jane you were dreaming. You want to tell me about it?" "No I don't ever want to remember that dream again." I grabbed Maura and held her in my arms, I didn't want to let go, afraid she would disappear. I don't think I could handle that. I go to work the next day, that dream still on my mind, it felt so real, so real it scares me. I'm afraid all of this is a dream that I'll wake up, and Maura will be gone. That's why I had her stay with me last night, I didn't tell her about my dream, and I probably never will, it's to hard to even think about, and to tell her about it would be even harder. I sit at my desk across from Frost who's busy on his computer; I turn mine on, and go to my e-mail. The first message I have is from Dr. Haley Larkin. I'm afraid to open it. I've never met this woman in my life, I've only dreamed of her. I didn't even know she existed. My hand hovers over the mouse, finally I open it, and the words she says turn my world upside down.

Detective Jane Rizzoli

You asked me to make this pain go away, well I did, and you said if you could turn back time you would tell her. This is your second chance, tell her, and don't let your fears get in the way. I have a feeling she feels the same way. Don't screw this up.

Dr. Larkin

This can't be happening. Can it? Was it all real? So many questions are going around in my head. I need to talk to Maura. I go down to the morgue. When Maura sees me she smiles. God I love that smile, I don't want to go another day without seeing it. I came down here to tell her about my dream, but the only words that come out of my mouth are "I'm in love with you Maura."

**The End**

**I hope you liked it.**


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